Open Letter To Singles
by Steven Ares
Recently, an Apostolic Single woman met a man that showed that he cared for her very much. This man did not go to church, but she felt that he displayed many fine qualities. After 'waiting on God', battling loneliness, and past relationships with 'Church' guys that left her more 'burned' than blessed, she decided to see this man and eventually her emotions for him grew also. She was raised in Church and knew all the Scriptural teachings regarding appropriate relationships, based on the Word of God. She realized that they were not "equally-yoked" but she felt that there was a lot of potential in this relationship, especially since he made her very happy, treated her very well, and although he didn't go to church, he loved the fact that Church was a major part of her life. She also felt that given enough time, she could 'win him to the Lord'. She contacted me and asked for my opinion about her situation. After working in the Adult Singles ministry for years, dealing with the real issues of love and loneliness among our Adult Apostolic Singles, seeing how 'unequally- yoked' relationships usually work out in the long-run, and after both study and prayer, the following was my reply to her:
There are few, if any, things of greater importance to us than "issues of the heart" and "finding the will of God" for our lives. You asked for my thoughts and here they are. I know that this may be hard for you to read, but your salvation may be at stake here, so I am being as honest and direct as I can be.
In the book His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, Jr., it explains the various needs of men and women. The author lists the five main needs of women as:
Affection
Communication
Honesty/Openness
Financial support
Family Commitment
These needs are powerful forces in any decision. When a woman becomes involved with a man that she perceives will meet these needs, the pull towards him can become very strong. Additionally, feelings of loneliness can be powerful, because most everybody wants to be 'special' to somebody.
The words you used to describe your 'friend' seem to suggest that you believe he can fulfill these needs in your life. You said that he's a "very proper gentleman," "treats me with great respect," "we talk about church endlessly," and "he knows my boundaries, morals, beliefs, and thinks the world of me." Although you say you are "not dating yet," you are having lunch with him and are allowing him to visit you at home. Is this just a manipulation of words to justify what you want to do without feeling guilty? Your actions imply that he has already become a major factor in your life and that you're already emotionally deep into this relationship.
You may feel that you are falling in love with this man, but it may be that you have allowed yourself to fall in love. The question is: Has God placed these feelings of love and attraction in your heart, or are you trying to have your needs met your way? The psalmist admonishes us to "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." (Psalms 37:5) After you commit, then you have to trust. You need to trust that God has your life in His hands, He's working things out in a way that's best for you and that His timing is perfect.
Matt 6:33 says "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." When our 'vertical' relationship with God is made secure by seeking the 'kingdom' and 'righteousness' of God first, then our 'horizontal' relationships with others will be constructed on a solid foundation and not on a foundation of 'compromise'. A quality relationship in your personal life starts with a quality relationship with God.
In highly emotional situations like this, you must be careful to not make decisions based on your feelings. Feelings can fool you; they have fooled you in the past. You said that you feel "surrounded by His peace" and that you feel no "hesitations from God." But feelings are not enough. This relationship needs to not only feel right; it needs to be right biblically and not just in your own thinking and desires. Since we are all in the body of Christ, your decision, regarding this relationship, will have a great impact not only on you, but also on your family and 'brothers/sisters' in church.
So here we have the two main elements of this situation: a 'great' guy and an Apostolic woman. There are two ways to view this great guy. The first is through the eyes of your past. You said you've had some negative experiences with Apostolic men that have included inappropriate behavior and a general lack of respect in how you were treated. From this perspective, your "great" guy can certainly be seen as somebody you would definitely want to have in your life.
The second view is the Apostolic perspective. This man is not an Apostolic-Christian, and there is no guarantee that he ever will be. You seem to be viewing him in the 'wishful' light of his potential, more than for what he is today. There are men who long for Apostolic women because of their morals, convictions and values. However, now your values are being put to the test, the values of not being "unequally-yoked" and not compromising. It is not enough that your future spouse is great; he also needs to be right for you in God's eyes. A spouse has a major impact on their spouse's spiritual life and will be a factor in whether or not he or she makes it to heaven -- a spouse is that influential.
There is no excuse for a 'Brother-in-Christ' to treat you inappropriately, so I don't minimize the pain that you suffered in past relationships with 'Christian' guys, but nobody can suffer enough to have God's truths re-written or not apply to them. John 14:21 says: "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me.." You can say you love God and even participate in Church services and activities, but you only pass the 'I-Love-the- Lord-Test', if you keep His commandments. The Scriptures in the Bible, are not Play-Doh, that we can shape to our own liking, but 'rock' that we can stand, rely, and build a blessed life upon -- a life that is pleasing to God. Ignoring God's Word and warnings or thinking that certain Scriptures don't apply to them, have caused once 'Completely-Committed-Christians' to move out from under the 'Hand of God's Blessing'. This turning away from God's wisdom has caused many Apostolics immeasurable pain, long-term suffering, deep regrets, and even some, their walk with God. A relationship, outside of God's plan, path and protection, hardly seems worth it, when you realize that 'Eternity' is 'eternal'.
A relationship with 'ending loneliness' as its major driving force, can cause a person to go from feeling 'lonely' to the more painful emotion of feeling 'alone', if the marriage doesn't work out the way they expected it to. Building a good marriage takes a lot of hard work, effort and patience, even when the couple is 'perfect' for each other. What are the chances that a marriage, founded on compromise, will stand the test of time and lead to true satisfaction?
If your spiritual and emotional strength is not continually replenished by a strong, 'sold-out' relationship with God, you can become weak, tire of waiting on God, and become tempted to say, "Look, I've tried Apostolic men, and it hasn't worked out. What's wrong with being with a great guy who's not Apostolic, as long as I'm still going to an Apostolic church?" The thought may be that you can have the best of both worlds. You say that he supports you "going to church 100%". This suggests that he will not restrict you and will even encourage you to go. But there is no guarantee his 'church- support' will continue after marriage, nor does the Bible support this type of marital arrangement.
God wants spouses to share the same sensitivity to the will of God, with their ears equally fine-tuned to the leading of the Spirit. In marriage the husband and wife are yoked (connected) together. You can't help but be affected spiritually if your husband is not actively committed to Christ. Scripture asks, "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Sure, you can begin a marriage by walking together physically and emotionally, however, there is already a lack of agreement if you two don't agree on the major aspects of living for God.
In the book Fit to be Tied, by Bill & Lynne Hybels, they discuss the vital issue of "rightness." The feeling of rightness is being perfectly synchronized. This is why God insists on Believers marrying only other Believers. He wants spouses to be finely adjusted to one another, and equally empowered by Him. Also, God wants couples to share the same sensitivity to the will of God. He wants their ears to be equally tuned to the leading of the Spirit. True spiritual compatibility implies a shared intensity of beliefs and having the same degree of commitment. This issue of "rightness" applies to Christian men as well. Just because a man goes to Church faithfully and is right with God, doesn't mean that he's right for you. The need for God's wisdom and direction in our lives is never ending.
Additionally, Fit to be Tied lists other reasons why God wants believers to be 'equally-yoked':
A Common Treasure: The most precious possession you have is Christ. Jesus must be the center of your life and should also be the center of your spouse's life.
A Common Blueprint: A marriage should to be built with both partners using the same spiritual blueprint. The couple needs to be able to understand and work from God's blueprint for their lives; this takes spiritual oneness.
A Common Strength: Spiritual compatibility in marriage is necessary so that both spouses can, through prayer, tap into a common strength and hear from God when faced with life's inevitable problems.
Common Values: Spiritual compatibility is also necessary so that parents, who share common values, can raise children in harmony.
I have no doubt that the person you are considering is a great guy with many good qualities, but this situation still begs the question: Is this relationship right or am I being impatient and thinking that "This is the best that I'm going to get"? If this man is introduced to God, gives his life completely to Him, and after an appropriate period of time, seeing him as a future spouse will become more of a reality.
In determining if this relationship is right for you, please ask yourself the following questions:
Am I looking to find peace and happiness God's way or my way?
Would I advise a young person to follow the same 'relationship- path' that I'm taking?
Will getting involved with a non-Christian enhance or diminish my ability to minister to others, especially young single women?
What if God has the right man for me in the future, but I never meet him because I'm with this one?
What does the Bible say I should do?
Scripture states " Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety". (Proverbs 11:14) There is wisdom and protection in seeking counsel, support and prayer from others. Talk to your pastor and contact godly women with whom you have spoken to and prayed with in the past. In this multitude of counselors you will find both safety and God's direction.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger was asked about marriage between people of different faiths. She was very much opposed to it. She feels that for there to be true harmony in the home, the spiritual part of the relationship needed to be in complete harmony. Dr. Laura finished the call by saying: "If your faith means that much to you, you would marry in it." It's that clear.
The need and desire to "love and be loved" can be very strong, but doing things God's way and not your way, will prove to be the only way, for you to have true peace, joy and satisfaction in your life.
I am praying that you will find the peace and courage to be patient - because God's delay is not His denial.
Steve